Charmless Television: Disliking Everything
Blog Post by Jeremy Grayson (Jeremy G.)
[Television] Posted on March 24, 2016
A Very Special Day
I don't enjoy reducing my life to simple declarations. Many people I know have a motto, a line by which they live their life – but I've never been content with compressing the essence of my goals/views/emotions down to a single statement. (This may explain why I constantly find myself changing my signature over on the forums.) A large part of this can be attributed to my ever-increasing need to remain fresh and new: If I'm going to retain my position as the most talented writer on the Internet, I need to constantly keep my thoughts interesting and my critiques unpredictable.
However, there is one thought of mine that – so long as I remain a part of this earth – shall never change:
Purim is awesome.
That's how it's always been. That's how it'll always be. No matter how old I get or how crotchety I'll feel, there's no way my love for Purim can ever be sullied. It is the epitome of creation. It is the pinnacle of existence. It is –
Oh, wait. I think I'm getting ahead of myself.
For those of you unfamiliar with the awesomeness I'm gushing over, allow me to fill you in: Purim is a Jewish holiday that occurs every spring, usually in the month of March. It's compared in many circles to Hanukkah, a holiday which tends to get a lot more recognition in the non-religious world. I attribute this to the fact that Hanukkah lasts eight days instead of one, and it typically occurs during Christmas season, which means it gets more promotional glory. But Purim deserves more attention than it gets – it's essentially the underdog of the Jewish calendar.
Whenever I try describing Purim to my non-Jewish friends, their reaction is, "Huh, that sounds a lot like Halloween." But this is an unfortunate misconception. Sure, Purim involves kids dressing up in costumes and going door-to-door asking people for candy, but it also involves a family gathering complete with a festive meal, and an overall air of good cheer that encourages us to give to the poor. In brief, Purim is like all the best aspects of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, all rolled into one and topped with a bit of Independence Day. (Some people set off firecrackers.) And most importantly, it's a day that encourages people to engage in light, harmless fun.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Jeremy, this is the most amazing thing I've ever heard, but what the heck does it have to do with the four hundred thumbs-downs at the top of the page?" Well, you see, in addition to being the greatest day of the year, this also happens to be the anniversary of the day I wrote a well-established article about HBO's The Wire – an article which, as of this posting, remains the most-viewed piece of writing I have ever written for the Internet. Given the rather innately humorous nature of Purim, part of me felt the need to commemorate this anniversary in a light-hearted and playful manner. But how?
Well, as you may recall, my two-year-old article in question was pun-fully titled "Charmless City: Disliking The Wire". (Get it? Of course you do, assuming you don't have the limited intelligence and sense of humor of a Reddit commenter.) Given my love of puns, and the desire to be extra-playful on this happy Purim day, I found myself wondering: What if?
What if the negative article I was writing was not for The Wire, but for some other show? I mean, imagine I was writing a negative review of The West Wing. I wouldn't, obviously, but picture a parallel universe featuring a Jeremy who would. What would the title be? After a moment's thought, I had the answer: "Un-President-ed Failure: Disliking The West Wing."
The more I thought, the more parallel-universe examples I thought of. Eventually, I decided that I had to commit them to writing. What follows, then, is a partial list of the examples I conjured up. So the next time you find yourself wondering, "If Jeremy was to write a negative review of Show X, what would the title be?" – well, you know where to find the answer.
Here, in no particular order…
"A Great Big Meth: Disliking Breaking Bad"
"Hamm and Cheese: Disliking Mad Men"
"Bada-B(or)ing: Disliking The Sopranos"
"Swearengen Trouble: Disliking Deadwood"
"A Wrong of Ice and Fire: Disliking Game of Thrones"
"Where No Man Should Go Again: Disliking Star Trek: The Original Series"
"All Bad Things: Disliking Star Trek: The Next Generation"
"Sisko? Oh, No! Disliking Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"
"Janeway? No Way! Disliking Star Trek: Voyager"
"You Want Another Trek Pun? Disliking Star Trek: Enterprise"
"Dr. McDreary: Disliking Grey's Anatomy"
"Boo-urns! Boo-urns! Disliking The Simpsons"
"No-Brainer: Disliking The Walking Dead"
"Once More, with Failing: Disliking Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
"Please Fade Away: Disliking Angel"
"Definitely Out of Gas: Disliking Firefly"
"A Show About Something: Disliking Seinfeld"
"I Won't Be There For You: Disliking Friends"
"Where Everybody Knows Your Shame: Disliking Cheers"
"Insert Bill Cosby Joke: Disliking The Cosby Show"
"What an Appropriate Title: Disliking Lost"
"What the Frak? Disliking Battlestar Galactica"
"What the Frell? Disliking Farscape"
"Life's Short, Talk Less: Disliking Gilmore Girls"
"The Bad Wife: Disliking The Good Wife"
"A Different Kind of Flop: Disliking The Shield"
"Where's the Wizard? Disliking Oz"
"Better Off Dead: Disliking Better Off Ted"
"Everyone's Hating: Disliking Six Feet Under"
"Can Lose: Disliking Friday Night Lights"
"Bores and Snores: Disliking Freaks and Geeks"
"Piz Off: Disliking Veronica Mars"
"A Nutty-Nut Show Who's Nuts: Disliking Sports Night"
"Studio 60 is a Bad TV Show: Disliking Studio 60"
"Hate is All Around: Disliking The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
"Let's Be Awful Out There: Disliking Hill Street Blues"
"Thanks, Tommy: Disliking St. Elsewhere"
"That's Not What She Said: Disliking The Office"
"A True Lemon: Disliking 30 Rock"
"Knope, Not Buying It: Disliking Parks and Recreation"
"Intro to Televised Mediocrity: Disliking Community"
"They've Made a Terrible Mistake: Disliking Arrested Development"
"You Don't Set the Tone: Disliking ER"
"The Bad Show Paradigm: Disliking The Big Bang Theory"
"Fight the Bauer: Disliking 24"
"The Tripe Is Out There: Disliking The X-Files"
"Simone and Groan: Disliking NYPD Blue"
"Boring is the New Hack: Disliking Orange is the New Black"
"Wigging Out: Disliking Alias"
"Still Wigging Out: Disliking The Americans"
"The Gum You Hate: Disliking Twin Peaks"
And there you have it. I apologize if I didn't include an example for your favorite show, but – actually, come to think of it, I don't apologize. You should actually be glad that I spared your favorite show.
This marks my first Blog post in the last three months. I'm sure you'll all agree that, given the incredible depth, breadth, and profound intelligence of the article in question, it was most definitely worth the wait.
Jeremy Grayson is a writer for Critically Touched. In his spare time, he enjoys thinking about what he'd like to do if he ever had any spare time.
Post a Comment